FEAR OF LOSS
By TinTin Monsanto
I watched a trailer about a kid who sued her mother. Intrigued, I watched the movie. The movie was about a girl who sought medical emancipation. Her appeal was to stop donating for her sister, a cancer patient. I can't help but see myself in Ana and Kate Fritzgerald.
Photo credit to owner(taken from google search: My Sister’s Keeper)
I don’t have a big C like Kate. But just like her, I have some things that I have no control over.
I'm born with a congenital anomaly. I grew up having a hormonal imbalance. It affected my way of life. It caused my body to be weak. I couldn't stand in crowded places without fainting. I cannot run for long distances. I can get easily exhausted. I also inherited rhinitis and even hypertension which is genetically dominant in the family. Pain in my hands and knees but no one can give a proper diagnosis. I cannot do handwork as per doctor's advice. I consulted too many doctors for second, third and even fourth opinions. I need to undergo procedures and to drink medicines to correct my hormonal imbalance, to ease the pain, to alleviate my allergies and for my hypertension. With my congenital anomaly, I could still bear a child yet prone to miscarriages.
In the movie, Sarah Fritzgerald did everything to save and protect her daughter Kate. Somehow to the point of compromising her youngest Ana.
Ana was conceived and was genetically modified to match Kate's genes. In this way, Ana could provide new cells for her sister. However, even if Ana wanted to save her sister, she also needed to think of herself. It was Kate's wish. A wish that any mother would fear.
As a mother, they would do everything for their children. Just like Sarah, my mom did everything for me. She raised me with sugar and spice. She's a strict disciplinarian. She defended me so many times to those who cannot understand my situation. She stood and protected me countless times. I know deep inside she's breaking to see me falling on my knees. I struggled to live normally by not telling anyone. I wanted to live normally and do things like others can do. My mom and I would fight over it.
I was just like Kate who wanted to live. Time after time, I have to move forward and adjust to the norms. I need to learn to adapt to other environments. I need to learn to get out of my shell. But still, I can't go beyond the extremes. I can't go too far. I need to step back most of the time. It's hard to lay down on the bed feeling all the pain. Full of worries, uncertainties, fear, disappointments, frustrations.
On the other hand, I am like Ana fighting for her sister's wish. She knows that nobody would understand. No one would believe her that it was her sister's wish not to donate anymore.
"Yes, they will not believe you because it is the truth," Kate replied to Ana.
"Truth hurts."
It is not easy. People are expecting you to be like them. People want you to follow their norms. If only they knew.
How much love can you do? Indeed, love can be blind. It can be blinded by fear that loses our control. The fear of loss. The kind of fear that one doesn't perish with time. It will only perish as we learned to accept and to let go. The fear of loss that we need to undertake and to carry on even if there are full of uncertainties; we know that it will always be part of our lives.
"Pain? My whole life is a pain." -Kate Fritzgerald
(Movie: My Sister's Keeper, 2009)